I’m feeling like the most selfish, angry, annoyed, procrastinating piece of @^#*$ right now. I’ve been the most horrible friend in the whole gigantic world and nothing that you can say will change my mind about that!
Truth be told, it’s the heart that really matters in the end, not the outward appearance of things. People may say comforting words like, “No lah… You’re not that bad, you’re just being overly critical of yourself…” I must confess that it does make me feel better to hear that but then again, I look at my heart and I wonder if I really should be feeling better. I was telling the truth you know…
I’ve been selfish, not caring enough about my friends though they have always been there for me. Half-hearted conversations, half listening when they rant about their problems, thinking about my own needs above that of theirs, talking about myself instead of asking how they are, being fearful that they may reject me that I steer clear of revealing what I need to tell them… The list goes on… I’m a horrible friend. 
I’m so sorry to you all out there that I haven’t been caring enough for you, sorry for letting you down and not fulfilling my promises even after declaring that I would. I can’t pretend that I’m alright with being so awful anymore!
Looking forward, we have mid years in less than 2 weeks, CF camp in abt 3 and a ton of deadlines to keep up to. It’s scary how I’m procrastinating and doing my own things instead of studying. Mom’s nagging me and I’m not blaming her, it’s for my own good but somehow I can’t seem to get anything right!
Someone just told me that people look different from what’s going on inside. They can look chirpy and happy but they could be hurting and suffering on the inside. I was blessed with the opportunity to pray for some of them at CF and was awestruck by how the spirit led me to pray. My heart goes out to them, I didn’t know… I didn’t realise that they were hurting this much inside! Usually, I’d get extremely self-conscious when I pray out loud for others but surrendering and letting God take control made all the difference. I hope that they felt better. Seeing them wipe their tears away and their smiling faces afterwards made my day. God has been really working in CF!!! (:
Sometimes we don’t see everything that is going on; our own needs, insecurities, background, personal experiences clouds our vision; we see what we want to see and sometimes we overlook the most obvious. I confess that I am guilty of doing that many times over. A friend feeling down, something amiss in my usually chirpy buddy’s face, the look of pain in my teacher’s face when I don’t do my homework or not listen when she’s making the effort to teach me something I don’t understand… “Too bad,” I think to myself and continue being oblivious and happy to all the things that are happening around. Too oblivious and happy apparently…
I talked to God about it and I realised that I was trying to save the world with my own strength. “What about asking me? Did I ask you to be there for everyone? Is this what I really want you to do?” he inquires. Somehow, I realised that I don’t trust Him enough to let Him take over in everything. Is it because I’m too afraid?
I’m learning to open up and live out loud for God. Run, as Jeann puts it, not running aimlessly but running by faith, running to where God takes us and continuously hoping and trusting His plan and purpose for our lives, trusting that He will provide all the grace that we need to do His will. He has helped me breakthrough so many times this year; even when I least expect it, even when I am afraid and doubtful, He had His hand of protection over me and always will. (:
Gotta keep trusting and hoping in Him that He will provide and that everything that according to His good plan and purpose.
Even the things of this earth will come to past: relationships that I hold close to my heart, status, position, wealth… But God will always remain; the same yesterday, today and forever more. I’ll keep trusting and hoping in Him! (:
signing off as
a hopeful and trusting stef (:
Thank you to all those who have been there for me, being with me when I needed someone to talk to, someone to make fun of himself/herself at his/her own expense to brighten my day, helping me through when I didn’t understand my work, encouraging me when I was feeling down, laughing with me at all the high points, praying for me when I needed strength most… The list goes on. Thank you for everything and I am grateful to all that you’ve done. You’ve been a real blessing! I love you lots! (:
hey, i’m taggingg!!. don’t beat yourself up too much. no one’s perfect. we’re all struggling too. and for what it’s worth, you’ve been a great friend to me:):):)
and to me too.
