May 16, 2009

I’m feeling like the most selfish, angry, annoyed, procrastinating piece of @^#*$ right now. I’ve been the most horrible friend in the whole gigantic world and nothing that you can say will change my mind about that!

Truth be told, it’s the heart that really matters in the end, not the outward appearance of things. People may say comforting words like, “No lah… You’re not that bad, you’re just being overly critical of yourself…” I must confess that it does make me feel better to hear that but then again, I look at my heart and I wonder if I really should be feeling better. I was telling the truth you know…

I’ve been selfish, not caring enough about my friends though they have always been there for me. Half-hearted conversations, half listening when they rant about their problems, thinking about my own needs above that of theirs, talking about myself instead of asking how they are, being fearful that they may reject me that I steer clear of revealing what I need to tell them… The list goes on… I’m a horrible friend.

I’m so sorry to you all out there that I haven’t been caring enough for you, sorry for letting you down and not fulfilling my promises even after declaring that I would. I can’t pretend that I’m alright with being so awful anymore!

Looking forward, we have mid years in less than 2 weeks, CF camp in abt 3 and a ton of deadlines to keep up to. It’s scary how I’m procrastinating and doing my own things instead of studying. Mom’s nagging me and I’m not blaming her, it’s for my own good but somehow I can’t seem to get anything right!

Someone just told me that people look different from what’s going on inside. They can look chirpy and happy but they could be hurting and suffering on the inside. I was blessed with the opportunity to pray for some of them at CF and was awestruck by how the spirit led me to pray. My heart goes out to them, I didn’t know… I didn’t realise that they were hurting this much inside! Usually, I’d get extremely self-conscious when I pray out loud for others but surrendering and letting God take control made all the difference. I hope that they felt better. Seeing them wipe their tears away and their smiling faces afterwards made my day. God has been really working in CF!!! (:

Sometimes we don’t see everything that is going on; our own needs, insecurities, background, personal experiences clouds our vision; we see what we want to see and sometimes we overlook the most obvious. I confess that I am guilty of doing that many times over. A friend feeling down, something amiss in my usually chirpy buddy’s face, the look of pain in my teacher’s face when I don’t do my homework or not listen when she’s making the effort to teach me something I don’t understand… “Too bad,” I think to myself and continue being oblivious and happy to all the things that are happening around. Too oblivious and happy apparently…

I talked to God about it and I realised that I was trying to save the world with my own strength. “What about asking me? Did I ask you to be there for everyone? Is this what I really want you to do?” he inquires. Somehow, I realised that I don’t trust Him enough to let Him take over in everything. Is it because I’m too afraid?

I’m learning to open up and live out loud for God. Run, as Jeann puts it, not running aimlessly but running by faith, running to where God takes us and continuously hoping and trusting His plan and purpose for our lives, trusting that He will provide all the grace that we need to do His will. He has helped me breakthrough so many times this year; even when I least expect it, even when I am afraid and doubtful, He had His hand of protection over me and always will. (:

Gotta keep trusting and hoping in Him that He will provide and that everything that according to His good plan and purpose.

Even the things of this earth will come to past: relationships that I hold close to my heart, status, position, wealth… But God will always remain; the same yesterday, today and forever more. I’ll keep trusting and hoping in Him! (:

signing off as
a hopeful and trusting stef (:

Thank you to all those who have been there for me, being with me when I needed someone to talk to, someone to make fun of himself/herself at his/her own expense to brighten my day, helping me through when I didn’t understand my work, encouraging me when I was feeling down, laughing with me at all the high points, praying for me when I needed strength most… The list goes on. Thank you for everything and I am grateful to all that you’ve done. You’ve been a real blessing! I love you lots! (:

breaking my own heart April 14, 2009

Ok… So if things weren’t meant to happen, they won’t happen. God’s will reigns over all and no matter how much we try to work against it, it won’t work.

That mindset’s been slowly and painfully imprinted onto my head and the inevitable question pops into my mind, “So what exactly is God’s will?” I want so many pretty things  but sometimes they aren’t meant for me no matter how much I pine for them, sulk, beg… you name it! Haha maybe the timing’s not right and God will grant them to me in the future, whenever He deems it is appropriate; in the meanwhile I shall patiently wait.

Still wondering how to get through making a Dumbledore’s library’s worth of decisions; so many things to do, so many things to catch up on and, most unfortunately, a continuously winding list of distractions to always count on to drag me away from my priorities that are calling out to me in desperation.

Argh… is the feeling that I’m feeling right now, it’s so apt and I’ve probably never cherished a word more in my life! Argh… there I go again! haha

I need you God more than ever and my heart and thoughts are all in this haphazard mess that I can’t untangle myself from; all these minute complications accumulate as the days go by and they are becoming way more gigantic and harder to get out of!

I’m breaking my own heart! I have to change for the better!

I’m lost, rescue me please…

March 8, 2009

Ah… Another amazing week has gone by and I’m feeling surprisingly relaxed; it’s the airy and free feeling of walking along a beach and I’m loving every minute of it.

I would say this week was life changing; so many powerful and impactful things happened to me all at once and so I was very afraid of how I was going to take it all in and settle down to study before the math test on Thursday. Thankfully, by Friday my brain was back to normal but the test… hmm… that’s another story altogether…

It was a week of breakthroughs that I had waited so long for, so long that it felt like an eternity. Now that it has come, all the pain and sorrow from the waiting seemed so long ago, so distant, like it never existed. For the past few years I wandered,  searched, hoped and prayed for change, that some day a miracle would magically fall from the sky and I would be set free at long last, of all my inhibitions and insecurities.

When does night end and morning begin? Shades of grey it seems to be, moving on into a new stage of my life; I’m not afraid anymore and I choose to move forward into the light and keep looking forward towards the great prospects God has for my life.

Today’s sermon in church was so apt for what I was going through, it was on how our bondage to sin was broken when Jesus was nailed to the cross and the power of God had set us free. I was so amazed at how God worked, it seemed like the entire week was geared up to the moment when I went forward and was prayed for by Pastor Michael. Normally, I would have been too scared to go up but something broke in me and I knew that God was calling me to. Claire was so nice to go up with me and I was so touched by God’s grace and providence that I thought I was going to cry. Ah… How great is our God?

Even the songs played by the worship team really touched my heart, they were Complete by the Parachute band and Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin. I kept singing the songs and giving God my whole heart, it was amazing…

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice–my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
And I will be complete in You.

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice–my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord.
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
And by faith, I will walk on, Lord
Then I’ll see beyond my calvary one day,
And I will be complete in..

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears.

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And I pray I will hold on, Lord
Then I’ll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in
I will be complete in
I will be complete in You

Yes, I will be complete in you God (:

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10 things February 19, 2009

I was just watching the J1s scout around AC today and I remembered what Nelson said to me a few weeks ago, “After hanging around here for a few months, they would not be strolling around like this anymore!” Haha I have to give him credit for being incredibly cute (as in the way he says things) and funny. Bern describes him as mellow, I find him plain amusing. Haha

Feedback from Jeslyn: My blog entries are incredibly ambiguous and no one has a clue what I’m talking about save for myself and God of course, so I decided to make my posts more clear so that you have a clue about what’s happening. (:

Sneaky Stef took a peek at a certain comm member’s oversized diary at comm meeting and noticed something perculiar other than the fact that Mr Popular has a ton of stuff to go to; that certain someone had written things to thank God for in every day of the month. For instance, I thank God for… Don’t worry, I didn’t get farther after reading that. He pretty much inspired me to come up with a list of my own and I’ve been scribling them in my diary ever since. It helps to remember all the stuff that God has done for us and I’ll make that a new year’s resolution!

I thank God for…

1) A good night’s rest after the loooooongest time

2) Allowing me to witness His magnificent artwork in the morning sky

3) Morning Prayer

4) Insightful lecture on Aesthetics and Lydia to help me understand what it was all about.

5) Lasting through 3 hours straight of lectures

6) Cool talk with Phu today

7) Getting a certain person’s card done in a jiffy with me awesome commies XD

Staying awake during tuition

9) Talked to the girls on my left and right during tuition for the first time!!! We usually tao each other.

10) Getting lots of prayers answered! For instance, the bus comes just when I get to the stop and I’m getting my appeal for a transfer through!!!

Yup, everything that happens is all by God’s grace, even the tiniest and most insignificant things,  and I’m truly thankful and very blessed.

Happy Birthday Charmaine!!!!

February 12, 2009

hey guys, I’m back for good, I think… haha it’s been a really long time and a lot of shaking up to get me back here! haha

Anyway, I think God opened my eyes to something today, it happened during tuition when I almost half falling asleep. I was really trying to stay awake but pinching myself and singing songs in my head didn’t really seem to work. >.<

Lately, I guess a lot of stuff has been happening and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don’t really know how to handle it. Looking at others makes me feel so demoralised; some people seem to have it all and next to them I feel incredibly small. Something popped into my head whilst I was standing in the gap between conciousness and sleep, that some things just weren’t meant to be and I was trying too hard to be something I was not.

haha the moment the thought crossed my mind, I suddenly felt a surge of energy and I listened to my teacher for the next 2 hours of tuition! yeah right… that’ll be a happy ending to the story but happy endings aren’t easy to come by you know… every moment takes a lot of strength and perseverance, it also helps to have people by your side cheering you on. I’m grateful God has placed constant encouragers in my life! You know who you are! Love you guys to bits!

My favourite song now is Beauty in Walking Away by Marie Digby. (thanks Kat for the CD!!!)  It feels so dreamy like my perpetual mood and the lyrics strike a note in my heart, I wonder why… I still don’t understand what the song is really about, but I like it anyway! The drums in the intro is perfect for me getting into that dreamy mood, I can’t stop listening to it! haha according to my iPod song count, I think I’ve listened to it for more than 150 times!!! haha talk about being addicted to a song!!!

A light shines off in the distance
A pale flickering glow
How many times do I have to dream that I could be there
The time is here and she won’t be waiting for me to find the easy way out
I’ve lost count of the days that were wasted

There’s an answer in the sound of a train
There is wisdom past the bridge on the bay
There’s a lifetime through the fog, in the rain
There’s a beauty in walking away

I float on the streets that are empty
Take the path that the wind only knows
Tonight is the last time that I’ll ever be here

There’s an answer in the sound of a train
There is wisdom past the bridge on the bay
There’s a lifetime through the fog, in the rain
There’s a beauty in walking away

It’s never quite simple, it’s never that safe
It never seems perfect until it’s too late
It’s never the right time to find a new way

There’s an answer in the sound of a train
There is wisdom past the bridge on the bay
There’s a lifetime through the fog, in the rain
There’s a beauty in walking away

valentine’s day eve tmr, i wanna show my friends my love and appreciation for them! hope you guys like what you’re getting!!!

thanks a bunch you round headed, magic pocket creature!

Confessions September 29, 2008

Ok ok… I have to admit that I am a annoyingly bad girl for temporarily abandoning my precious! Having nothing to write is no excuse! It’s all my fault and I know it; I’ve been terribly lazy and you know it!

Passed the half-way mark of promos already and I can’t wait for tomorrow when there’s only math left to study!!! AWESOME!!! I just have to get past Chinese first. It’s one heck of a dreaded subject, I have never liked it or did well in it, though I sometimes do wish it were the opposite.

Sigh… I wish that I could do well for promos man… Honestly, it almost seems like it’s completely out of the question! If only I studied harder, remained focused during lectures instead of slacking and hanging out when I should be doing my tutorials like a conscientious little girl who gets praises from her teachers for always being on time and on her best behaviour. That has never been me, by the way. I was more like the kid that the teachers didn’t really take notice of and when they did it was to call my mom for something bad that I did, like put a whoopie cushion on the teacher’s chair? Maybe I could have done that if I were a boy in a boys school… Think of all the mischief I could have been up to…

Life’s quite restricted now, I wish I could be free to do the stuff that I wanted! Even then, after promos there’s Chinese and PW OP!!! I wish I could travel to a solitary island resort and hide there until the new year starts again. Maybe I’d come back with a cool tan and a couple of… Argh, I’m day dreaming again. Focus! Focus!! FOCUS!!!

Till Friday, my dears, your fate awaits…

HAPPY!!! August 9, 2008

YAY!!! I think that I had the greatest birthday celebration yesterday!!!

Thank you to all of those who sent really nice birthday messages, cards and gifts, I shall cherish them all for life!

Actually, I thought that no one in school would remember my birthday, but they all surprised me when they came up to me with really cheerful birthday wishes! Hmm… Somehow I think word gets around… There are probably lots of tattletales around the place, I must be careful…

I must admit that on my birthday, everybody is especially nice! (: At midnight, some people would send really nice birthday wishes, albeit some a little too early. Who cares? I love them all! Funny how people send them in the wee hours of the morning too! I was rudely awoken by one!

Haha My class is incredibly insane! They surprised me during chemistry. Thanh and Ganesh told me that Mrs Saw wanted me to go down to the staff room to collect some form, but when we were there, Thanh “recieved” a call from “Mrs Saw” saying that she was still in class and would give it to us later. When we got back to class, Ms Baljeet asked Jeslyn if she was ready and Phu began to play “Happy Birthday” with a tiny xylophone and then the whole class broke into singing “Happy Birthday” to me! After that Mitchell went up to the board and pulled up the projecter screen to reveal “HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFANIE, HAPPY BEIJING OLYMPICS”. I think I almost died of laughing inside. Nevertheless, I was touched! They are so thoughtful and incredibly cute! (:

The CF celebration rocked too! I went to the LT a little earlier than usual because I had no where else to go. Andrea would not let me near her so I kept my distance and started playing on the keyboard. It was after the nurture group session that it happened. I was sitting there with my nurture group after a really interesting discussion on our self-image and we were just talking casually when suddenly everyone around started singing “Happy Birthday” and Janice came and presented me with a birthday cake with my name on it! It was such a wonderful moment that I felt like I was on top of the world! I am so happy that I have wonderful friends who are so thoughtful and kind! (: Andrea then presented me with a bottle with lots of messages attached to it from the comm! Such a cute idea, it even had a story written on it! (:

Thanks loads comm! Your messages were very thoughtful and it caused my heart to feel strangely warmed! Thanks for putting so much effort into making my birthday feel so special!

Afterwards, I had to go home for my family celebration! Not everybody was there by the time I arrived home, perhaps it was because my father warned them that I was going to late!

John was so nice! He got me a present which he wrapped ever so artistically and made some really delectable western delights for my birthday like salmon and mushrooms. He spent most of the afternoon on his off day to prepare for my birthday dinner! Thanks John, I think I will attempt to make some creme brulee soon! (:

Afterwards, everybody came and they wished me “happy birthday! We ended up watching the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. It was superb, with the massive number of performers and the exceptional display that they put on! My dad commented that the person who coordinated the entire event probably did not have any sleep for the last 4 years!

I am still really happy today! The memory of such a wonderful 17th birthday would definitely last a lifetime! Thanks to all of you who made this day so memorable and meaningful! I love you all! (:

Changing August 6, 2008

Everything is changing so quickly around me and I am feeling astounded by the life that is constantly evolving. The best thing is that all these events are happening simultaneously and there is so much knowledge and experience to glean from all of them, most of these things we can’t be aware of due to the limitations of our minds but God knows all of it, down to every last detail. The knowledge of that is so astonishing, yet comforting and I haven’t been able to get over the feeling of being watched over by God everyday.

God’s beloved. How does that sound? It gives me the cosy feeling as though I were a child cuddled up in a protective father’s arms and I can rest in peace knowing that he would take care of me.

Perhaps, in light of knowing that we all we can know would be like a grain of sand along an entire beach, a great wave of humility washes over me. There’s so much that I don’t know and stuff that I will never know, but I can learn from everyone around me. Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has something to offer no matter how great or how small. I am grateful to God for giving each of us talents, gifts that come in all shapes and sizes.

I hope to make this week good (:

Thankful August 5, 2008

In a few short days, I will be turning 17. The thought of that makes me shudder, I haven’t got enough of being 16 yet. I only have 365 and a quater days to declare that I am of this wonderful age and the priviledge of doing that is going to be gone in less than 3 days! I can’t deny the fact that I am sad that I am growing up too quickly!!!

Nevertheless, I am still thankful to God for all that he has done for me in the past year that he has showered innumerable blessings on me. I think that I have grown faster in the past half a year, more than I would have imagined to be possible.

Having a serious problem with expression, I have summarised how I feel about growing a year older into a song. It’s the Birthday Song by Corrine May, listen to it k? (:

The Birthday Song by Corrinne May

Don’t worry about that extra line
That’s creeping up upon your face
It’s just a part of nature’s way to say you’ve grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we’re getting closer to who we’re gonna be
It’s time to celebrate the story of how you’ve come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here’s to all the years we’ve shared together
All the fun we’ve had
You’re such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you’ve helped create
For every heart and every soul you’ve helped to grow
A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don’t count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don’t ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here’s to all the years we’ve shared together
All the fun we’ve had
You’re such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

I’m a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind. I will not be here forever, all my possessions are fleeting, fading but You will be here forever. You are the everlasting. I love you God (: